My Origin Story (Part 1)

I'm not a superhero, but there comes a point in everyone's lives that something happens. You can only hope that you have a lightbulb moment and that it isn't brought on by something traumatic. I didn't have trauma that gave me my lightbulb, turning point, my origin story. 

In August 2016, I looked at my career path, and I wanted a change. While I was grateful to have a job, I wasn't in a role that brought me any type of joy. The straw that broke the camel's back was when, after ten years, I asked for a raise. You see, in 2008, we all took pay cuts to keep our jobs during the recession. By 2016, our company was not only recovered but profiting immensely, but we weren't making the same amount we were pre-2008. My new manager (#3 with the company) had good and bad news. Management wasn't approving any pay increases, but he approved one for me that "wouldn't raise any eyebrows with upper management." The amount? 4% which translated to $1440, gross, increase per year. After taxes, it came out to $40 extra per paycheck ($80 per month.) My value to the company was $960 extra a year.

I had already finished my bachelor's degree in 2016, earning a BA in Psychology with Honors while working full time. I knew that I wanted more. I opted to seek out another job, and in October 2016, I left my existing job and accepted a job with a Fortune 500 company. 

At the same time, I thought, "what is my passion?" My passion was the environment, the outdoors. I enrolled in an MS program for Environmental Policy and Management. This would be my first rung on the ladder.

"Follow your dreams"

People will throw out the phrase, "follow your dreams" like bird seed at a wedding, but what does that mean? For one person it could mean eating their weight in cupcakes. For another, it could mean becoming a serial killer. "Dreams" can exist on both ends of the morality spectrum.

But what does "follow your dreams" mean to me and to us as a couple? Travel. Writing. Exploring. Educating. Those are our dreams. How do we get there?

After pursuing physical therapy, then veterinary medicine, then pediatrics, then English, all in the span of one acadrmic college year, my dreams were all over the place. Learning, helping people, and writing all seemed realistic. Then when something happened that caused me to question my very being, I sought the outdoors and long talks with a Higher Being while meandering on trails and past babbling brooks. This. This was my dream: the outdoors; doing; being.

It was the other night when my husband said, "I know my life's passion: travel. I want to travel." We are both dreamers with some of the most horrible luck out there. Vacations have been canceled due to emergency veterinary bills; my vehicle was rear ended on the way to the hospital to visit my dad in critical care. You get the idea.

After one morning of sitting in bumper-to-bumper Atlanta traffic, we thought, "screw this." And we decided that within the next year we would pay off most of our debts (lovely grad school student loans will be there) and go from there.

The Woods: How the outdoors saved me.

This is one of those soul-bearing posts that I think could help others. It is about how the outdoors saved me.

As a child, my dad would take us for "walks in the woods" behind our house. That phrase is in quotation marks because that's how we would refer to them when asking when we could go again. We weren't allowed in the woods by ourselves. My dad would show us different trees, deer scat, how to look for wildlife without scaring them, and lots of other tips and tricks and educating us on different things about "the woods." I loved the woods. It was when we lived in upstate New York that we made these adventures happen: tall hardwoods, crumbling rock walls acting as property lines from the 18th century, lush green grasses and ferns, whitetail deer, and even an occasional black bear (scat).

I continued being an outdoorsperson, and I still am. When I was able, I would go on hikes or explore outdoors areas such as waterfalls, creeks, rivers, and forests. At that time, it was just something I enjoyed and felt good, health-wise, about doing. Little did I know what an impact my "walks in the woods" would have on my mental / emotional well-being.

I had come across some articles about how the outdoors is good for your brain, how the outdoors is used as therapy, how hiking is good for your emotional well-being, but they didn't apply to me. They were just items I used when I discussed emotional well-being with others in an instructing sort of manner. "Having a rough day? Go outside." But I wasn't applying that to my own life because, on the surface, I thought everything was hunky-dorey.

That changed.

Sparing some privacy details, things changed several months ago when I was given some news that shook the foundation of my soul. I was emotionally lost and distraught. There were times that I felt like I was drowning, and instead of paddling to the surface, I was clawing madly and wildly in the water, not going anywhere - just there - drowning. That is the best way I can possibly describe it. I lost weight (as in 10 lbs in 2 days and growing from there) from not eating and being stressed. I immediately did what we all do as humans: blaming myself. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do? How did I not see this? Was I blinded by stress? Will I ever be okay? Am I ever going to be good enough? And then the declarative statements started: I am NOT good enough. I will NOT be okay. My favorite of all time, "I am worthless."

But then I started to do something...walks in the woods. After work, I would grab our dog, and I would head north about fifteen minutes to a small Civil War battlefield park, and we would walk for about two miles. I did that three times a week. Then I would hike 6 miles on Saturday mornings.

And I started feeling better which made me get better which made me feel better again, and the cycle of "good" started. Feeling better...getting better....feeling better.....getting "better'er"....feeling "better'er."

I was taking walks in the woods to clear my mind, to lighten the burden I had placed on my self-esteem and then removing it, and starting anew. I stopped blaming myself with questions, and the negative declarative statements ceased. I saw my faults not as faults but as strengths (a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy of sorts). And I continued to get better.

I also started eating better and losing weight the right way. I stopped looking at the scale and based my progress on feeling better and clothes fitting better. That's how I continued. The more I felt better, the longer I was able to take walks in the woods. The first few times sucked (a mile...mile and a half), but then I got better and was progressing to 8-10 miles (which, for my size and health, was awesome).

The news I received took three or four months to work its way through, and on the other side of it all, I was prepared for whatever that decision was because I was healthier, stronger, and better. Luckily, the news helped me in the end, and it made me stronger which is where I am today.

While you can read articles all day long about why nature works and such, until you actually go through something that shakes you to your core and apply it to that situation, you don't realize how soul-strengthening "walks in the woods" are.

It's okay to say "no".

You know what happens.

Your life is in absolute chaos. You have deadlines to meet at work or (/and) in school. You have bills that need to be paid. You have things you need to do and want to do in and around your home. Your schedule is so tightly packed that you wonder if you'll remember to eat something. And then it happens.

Someone, perhaps a good friend or a family member, asks a favor of you. Normally this favor would seem easy or go off without a hitch. This is a person for whom you would help in any way imaginable. You want to help them. After all, do you really need to eat? Or sleep? Maybe if you stayed up a bit longer or grabbed a snack versus a meal you could squeeze in this favor for your friend. It wouldn't be the first time you've had to rearrange things to help this person or someone else out, right?

It's okay to say "no" sometimes.

You can still be a kind and caring person who is helpful and reliable, but you don't have  to and aren't obligated to always say "yes". You also should not feel obligated to provide your friend with a long explanation as to why you are unable to help him or her at this time. Sometimes the word "selfish" is a positive connotation when we consider selfless.

The definition for selfless is "concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own"1. When we first look at the word, we think, "that's the type of person I strive to be," but often peoples' health and well-being are compromised by thinking too much about "words" and not enough about ourselves. We shouldn't need medical journals to tell us that working long hours increases our risk of serious health issues 2.

Twenty-four years ago a teacher taught us the meaning behind "take care of yourself first." It was not meant to be a pro-selfish statement. Instead, she was teaching us to take care of ourselves first in school, in life, and in relationships. Who knew that a simple five-word phrase would have such an impact on our lives then and now? If we don't take care of ourselves first, and we always put the needs of others in front of our own, we are not being true to ourselves, will end up with health issues (some possibly severe), and we will eventually get burned out from helping people. Getting burned out from helping people also increases stress levels and leads to someone who is bitter and separated from others. No one wants that. We want to keep our friends and our family, right?

It's okay to say "no" sometimes, and your friends and family will (should!) understand that.


1. "Selfless". (2016) Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/selfless. 
2. Heikkila et al., (2016). Long working hours and cancer risk: a multi-cohort study. British Journal of Cancer, 114, 813-818. 
                doi: 10.1038/bjc.2016.9

An odd topic.

The first time I saw an ostrich up close and personal was at a relative's farm in North Florida. He raised ostriches and emus. The ostriches had huge pens as did the emus, and there was a huge incubator and nursery.

He explained how they would precariouslygo into the pens to retrieve eggs for the incubator. Someone would distract the ostriches as another went in and collected football-sized eggs.

I remember feeding the ostriches snacks and hearing their mouth smack together. I also remembered an old TV episode, Lassis maybe? when a guy had racing ostriches that were kept hooded until it was time to race.

It never occurred to me that people would capitalize on this and offer "ostrich riding" as a tourist activity in Africa. I mean...WTF? Who looks at an ostrich and says "sure I will try that."

You get on a terrified bird that has been hooded, and it runs around until you are pulled off of fall off. Again....WTF. Ostriches are birds, not beasts or burden. You are supposed to hold onto their wings when riding them, and even though ostriches cant fly, how would you like to have someone yanking your arms back with all their weight.

I mean, seriously, people - use your brain.

Struggle.

I call upon them, angels, to keep me free.
I run with the wind: a free spirit.
I lash with the silvery snow during a winter blizzard.
There, when the sun rises like a golden rain of watercolors,
There, when the sun goes down in its prismatic glory of color,
Over the mountains, across the prairie grasses, over man's faces.
Bringing the brooks babbling over pebbles, not wanting to leave the lake, but anticipating the ocean.
The shallow lake ripples, teasing the shore and an eagle passes in flight.

Faces bronzed by a blazing sun.

I call upon them, angels, to watch over me.
I am taken with the wind, and it carries me like an unseen pillow.
I dance with the silhouettes on the trees, leaping with the moonlight.

There, when the mist rises after a summer rain,
There, when the sky splashes gold, bronze, and crimson,
Upon a star suspended in velvet darkness, upon a cloud in a blue abyss.
A rush and a flush like gossamer wings, but not yet, held with pink hands on a purple robe above the crashing, daunting waves.

I call upon them, angels, to guide me.
Guide me not wrong. Guide me straight.
Like a mariner and his stars guiding the ship.


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It's been awhile...

I realize it has been awhile. School started picking up quite a bit; I got a promotion and more responsibility at work; and I've just been busy. Our biggest news is that our diet is now about 99% non-animal. The 1% accounts for the fact that I still love my local, raw honey. There are a few reasons why we opted for the "non-animal diet." I use the term "non-animal" because we may never be truly 100% vegan, but when we aren't, we will only be eating meats that we have hunted or fished ourselves, and we'd eventually like to get dairy goats to make our own cheese. BY doing so, we will not be supporting factory farms, reducing the contribution to the carbon footprint made by factory farms, and we will be healthier altogether.

There wasn't really a defining moment as to why we started this. For example, we both knew about factory farms. We both know about the slaughter process, and we both know the atrocities that can occur due to cutting corners to cut costs. If you're a rancher, we still love you. If you're an omnivore, we still love you. We sure as heck aren't going to go on an animal rights rampage and admonishing all of our omnivore friends.

But what did happen was a kick in the ass that said, "you're not getting healthier. You're not feeling better. You're not losing weight. You're complaining." At the age of 34, I had "okay" blood panels and no (diagnosed) illnesses, but that didn't mean I was healthy. Overweight and realizing I didn't qualify to do some activities I'd like to try because I was over the weight limit is, well, disappointing and upsetting. Realizing that there are people my age who are dying of heart attacks was a bit more......... alarming and terrifying. Honestly, the health aspect of it all is what made me change. I even told my husband, "I can prep my food for us both, and then I can cook a piece of meat for you to add to yours."

I found Forks Over Knives or FOK. I discovered the book first and then the Netflix documentary. I immediately ordered the book, cookbook, and a meal guide: a four week "how to." I was the kid in college who randomly received a PETA DVD, and that moment, I swore off meat and dairy. It took about a week before I walked down the beef jerky aisle, bought some, bought a half gallon of Mayfield whole milk, and devoured both when I got home. Clearly, I did not approach that correctly.

FOK was different. It talked about health first and then animal welfare second. I realize many of my friends appreciate that in reverse, but for me, I knew about animal welfare; I was just attempting to justify it in ridiculous ways. FOK talked about people ranging from okay health to major health issues joining in on FOK and feeling better, getting better, and even reversing some health concerns. It was the health aspect, and it was the number of people who talked about following FOK and saying things like, "I have yet to have a salad since being on FOK." I will say FOK is a lifestyle change and not a fad diet. I had some setbacks the first and second week, but it's gotten much better.

With Week 1, you start with adjusting your breakfast only. Week 2, breakfast and lunch. Week 3, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Week 4, breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, snacks, the whole nine yards. None of that - rush in and fail mentality.

For example, the start of week 4, my husband and I had the following day:

Breakfast
Coffee
Oatmeal with bananas, walnuts, maple syrup, and cinnamon
AND
Breakfast tacos with crumbled tofu, red peppers, onions, seasonings

Hiking / Snacks
Sunflower seeds
Walnuts, almonds, macadamia nuts, seeds, dried cranberries

Lunch
Falafel
Salad
Hummus

Him:
Falafel pita
Tabbouleh
Hummus

Snacks
Nuts
Fruit
Vegan ice cream (yes, it is good!)

Dinner
Chipotle vegan burgers (nope - won't be getting that brand again) with homemade salsa and homemade jalapeno jelly
Mac n "cheese" (made with cashews)

Snacks
Small bit of protein shake

Were we hungry? The only time we were hungry was before stopping for a snack break while hiking. We were hiking, people, and we weren't hungry. AND the food was good!

Now, I have only been 99% non-animal for 24 hours and three weeks prior started FOK, but one thing I have noticed is better skin. Lots and lots of water to flush out my system, and I have better skin.

When you see little things improving, it helps to see the larger picture rather than making a change and having the patience to see it through.

I will create another post when I hear from my husband when he gets home tonight. He works a labor-intensive job so I want to see how his meals today have held up : protein shake, seeds, apple, cherry tomatoes, leftover mac n "cheese", chickenless chicken salad, protein bar.